Today my therapist asked me questions. Deliberate questions. The kind of questions that make you know that she is thinking about things—piecing things together and circling back toward topics that we may have touched on but that I haven’t connected in significant ways yet.
I suppose this shift from me babbling about whatever comes to mind to her directing the conversation is good, but it also makes me suspicious. Because I may not be aware enough to tie together all the pieces of my life and my history and my psychology, but I am definitely aware enough to know that she is directing toward connections of which I am yet unaware. So I have spent the moments since therapy trying to decipher the code of today’s questions and direction. But I haven’t gotten there yet.
I did notice I am too damn nice.
I am generous to a fault.
Tony and I didn’t have any real altercations until a year into our relationship? While that is technically true, he never really cared all that much about or for me. I tended to be a convenience for people back then. I let things happen to me and around me instead of choosing my own life. The choosing only happened in the ending of relationships, never in the midst of relationships. Which is why I still don’t seem to like relationships. I’m always afraid they won’t be chosen, that they will just happen in that same historical way.
Do you suppose my therapist knows that I am a liar?
Of course she does.
I’d rather be alone than be controlled, or be a convenience. I’d rather choose to be alone than not choose and be together.
I don’t think people really understand that. I don’t think people really understand that singleness is healthier and more beneficial for me than being in relationships has ever been. I don’t think they can reason that out, in part, because most people don’t have a fucked up amygdala from childhood, so they don’t compensate for everything they sense in their hypervigilant state. They don’t avoid the argument before anyone else knows an argument is on the horizon. They don’t see a twitch in the corner of an eye and veer the other way. They don’t accommodate every single impulse to protect the self. They don’t even know that the self is at risk. They don’t have an all-encompassing need to find safety.
But I do.
Every moment is a threat, and every moment is an opportunity to avoid a perceived threat. And that makes being alone feel like safety in ways that being in relationship never can…or, at least, never has. Other people hurt me and I was left alone to cope with that pain, and now I would rather avoid that pain altogether. I couldn’t avoid it when I was young…I was captive to it, because children have nowhere to run. Now I can run and I can hide and I can avoid and I can control my own environment. So I do.
And maybe, once my therapist is done assessing my responses to the questions, that tendency to not be in intimate relationship will abate, but for now it stands. For now I will make certain that I don’t fall into the trap of being only what someone else desires of me by not being with someone else. Maybe someday, when she says, “How is the dating going”, I won’t respond with my usual, “Meh.” But today is not that day.
Today I’m going to make some dinner and crack open a beer and be alone with my beautiful single life.
Today I’m going to feel safe.