Once in a while I sit and reflect. Just be. In the silence, alone, waiting, and living inside my own head. It is a different feeling, this reflection, because usually I am always thinking, in the most deliberate of ways, but without conscious effort. My mind just doesn’t stop. I’m constantly assessing—for threats, I assume, because of my PTSD, but also just weighing all the things and investigating all the things and trying to anticipate all the things.
There are times when I question whether this is the sign of a diseased mind, like the doctors who prescribed ADHD in my twenties believed, or like the literature on trauma indicates, or whether it is just a side-effect of being really, incredibly intelligent. I think my mind is always working for reasons, and I don’t always want to push away all of that thinking to just sit and be.
But I need to just be.
Disease or intelligence aside, I do feel better and gain energy and increase clarity by spending time in reflection and in meditation. It helps. It calms and centers me. I can literally feel myself be more connected to the ground with a strong foundation. I can literally feel my heart opening to love and my chest lightening with the release of anything I might be struggling with. It can be a beautiful experience.
The trouble is, that when I start to spend time in this grounded, open, lighter space, I start being more grounded and open and light.
And that might not sound like a problem initially, but let me explain the difficulties of this change.
I do what I love. I don’t care about the approval of others as much. I let things happen without interfering or controlling them. I act on my desires. I live life to the full. I enjoy my life.
If you don’t see the problem above, then you must not have grown up under the circumstances I was raised within. Because where I come from you do what you “should” and you care a LOT about the approval of others, and you interfere and control things all the time, and you don’t act on your desires, and you don’t live life to the full, and most don’t enjoy their lives. Who could enjoy life under such restraints? (I think a lot of people in that area just feign enjoyment and then go home and drink themselves stupid or cry into their pillows. I know that is usually my strategy when I even visit for a long time—drinking and crying usually happen.)
Now, I do wish to clarify that there are amazing and beautiful people in this area where I grew up. Some are even aware and thoughtful. Others still are loving and compassionate and non-judgmental. But on the whole, the area is plagued by expectations that are never met, leaving people to judge and be judged continually. And that isn’t for me.
But being—just being and not trying to meet those constant expectations—causes consequences for me.
It sometimes feels like I am worlds away from those people and that place. Other times I feel swallowed up by my own expectations, which were adopted and enforced in the stead of the ones who did so in my youth. But, for the most part, I am shedding the rules and regulations and all of the “shoulds” that were once commonplace. The struggle that I face, then, is the disconnect between the freedom of my current life and the captivity of my earlier life.
Tonight I ate a cookie baked with cannabutter …the whole cookie, not just my usual few bites per hour to manage pain, but enough to get me feeling a little stoned… and then I considered a booty call, but decided against it. I figure I will wait things out and see if the guy from the other night decides to come back for more. Because the other night I had sex for the sake of sex. And it was fun. And I really liked it. And I am absolutely up for more, but I don’t feel like making the ask. Being pursued seems like it might be fun. And there is nothing wrong with any of the things I said in this paragraph, but that is not how the people in the place where the expectations and judgments live will see it. Their perspective allows my situation to be bad or sad or cause for “concern”. It does not allow them to accept that I like having sex but don’t plan on getting married anytime soon. It does not allow them to accept that I break the law to feel better and eat my weed cookies anyway. It does not allow them to enjoy my life.
And their enjoyment of my life is not a thing for which I will argue. My life isn’t meant for them to enjoy. It is meant for me to live and enjoy. But what I am arguing for is to have the freedom to live life from my own perspective, in my own experience, filled with my own truth and understanding, without it being tantamount to murderous crime sprees.
I’m a good person. And I don’t say that because I do good things, but because I am a person. I’ve not met a single person who didn’t have some good in them. (And I have met some pretty awful people. I even married a pretty awful person. It is saying a lot that I can find good in even him.) And that good doesn’t disappear because I break a conservative evangelical’s rules. I know that is how many of the people in my history have seen people, however. There is good and there is bad, in their view. There isn’t anything in between and one cancels out the other, it would seem. So, my pot consumption and sex while unmarried would make me bad (or sad, or misguided, or confused). Really, it just makes me a good person who does what she wants and lives according to her own convictions and not the convictions of others. I can listen to and understand your convictions, but I don’t need to make them mine.
Sometimes, just being, and doing what I want and what feels right to me, gets me into trouble with these others. And that is the danger here—finding freedom in your own life only to be chastised by those not even in your life. (Being related to me doesn’t count as “in” my life, per se. You would need to talk to me more than once every five years for that to be the case.) It is difficult to live between worlds. Do I pretend? Do I lie about what I believe and what I do? Do I tell people only what I believe they want to hear? Doing so would mean denying myself the freedom I spend the time to achieve, and being locked in a cage of expectations once more. And pretending for too long leaves you lost—you forget who you are after a while. But not doing so means having to field angry messages and argue for my freedom a ridiculous amount of time, or restricting people’s access to my writing and my opinions (aka, unfriending half of my Facebook “friends”).
Being is hard work.
And apparently it is also lonely work, as the list of people who accept me as I am grows ever shorter.
Ironic that “Just As I Am” is a hymn that I heard often growing up, now that most who sang along with it don’t follow it at all. Maybe the divine accepts me as I am, but I haven’t met many evangelical Christians that would do the same. And with every move I make away from traditional views of scripture and toward a divine concept that offers more hope than criticism and more love than judgment, I lose more friends.
I was recently accused of “just trying to cause fights” by expressing my views. I don’t need fights caused. My life has quite enough struggle on its own, and I am not looking to add more. But I also don’t need to feel shamed and judged and hated for the beliefs I do hold, and the ways that I do live. I often wonder why those who comment repeatedly on my Facebook posts think I am starting a fight, when they are perpetually commenting. If they don’t want to argue about a point I have made, then they don’t need to object. And when I refuse to engage their comments, some people get extremely agitated and accost me. But I suppose I am considered the one at fault because I have the divergent viewpoint.
That word, “divergent”, just reminded me of the book series of the same title. It turns out that divergence isn’t really all that terrible, and that the girl who seemed all wrong was actually “right”. And it is a bit fun to believe that I am the lead character in this story. It is fun to think about how it will feel to know that I am justified. And I am justified not by the ones who now judge me, but in a much greater scheme and a much broader sense. Because right or wrong, we all have the freedom to be. And that being can look however we might choose for it to look. I am not afraid of the choices I am making. I am not ashamed of the choices I am making. And I am not hiding from the choices I am making.
Trust me, I get the whole fucking consequences concept. I’ve understood that concept since about age four, but it was beaten into my head (sometimes literally) later in life as well. If my choices really aren’t the “best” or “smartest” or most “good”? I don’t really care. Because they are the ones I have made, and I made them for reasons—often well researched and scientifically proven reasons.
And you have the freedom to make your decisions too. And you are subject to your own set of consequences.
I would never say that the only people who are right are the people who got pressed up against an appliance the other night with a hand around their throat and liked it and begged for more. I would never say that the only people who are right are the ones who believe sexual purity is the mark of a good woman. (Actually, I would never believe those people were right in that particular instance, but let’s just imagine for a second that they could be.) The point is, I get to make my choices, and you get to make yours. And I rarely attack people for their choices … unless I am super hangry or in a lot of pain. I might disagree with your ideas, but I don’t use ideas to harm people intentionally. But I also don’t think my ideas are the measure of my worth. Because, as I said earlier, I am a person. And people have value because they are people, not because they hold the right set of beliefs or have the correct courses of action. People have value because they are people.
I wanted to type that I often question how the world might look if we all let one another be, instead of focusing so much on what one should or should not do, but I don’t actually question that much anymore. I don’t believe that many of the people I know will ever change the way they now live, and I have stopped expecting the same level of acceptance from others that I offer myself. It has, after all, taken years and years for me to let go of expectations and accept myself as I am. Some days it is still a struggle for me. I’m guessing it will be as difficult, or more difficult, for others to do the same. But I also don’t question my desire to break ties with those who would wish I hate myself more again—and I understand they would be well-meaning and not trying to make me hate myself, but by judging my actions and beliefs constantly, that is exactly what they do. They make me slip back into the self-hatred of my earlier years. And I am refusing to go back to that place, if I can help it.
So, being, in my case, might mean being tied to only a handful of loving people who understand and accept who I am. And it might mean refusing to engage with those who offer me shame and self-loathing in place of the freedom. Being might be difficult in all these ways.
It is so worth it.
I have never been more satisfied with life, even though much of my life currently sucks. But I have never let go and let life be mine in this way before. I wish I would have. Because being, and being me, are both fabulous.
To close, I suppose I would like to encourage you to be. Just be. Free from expectation and letting go of control and allowing your happiness to be of great importance and offering your life what it desires to be, instead of always trying to fit your life into someone else’s desire for what you ought be. Find yourself, in the quiet meditation space, and leave the space where judgments and disappointments and all those other negative self-images are formed. Let go and be.
And, if you don’t want to, fine. It is your choice. But I think you might enjoy who you are, once you start just being. I know that I have.